Lockdown? More like Breakdown… I Watched All the Logan Paul Movies So You Don’t Have To (Pt.1)
Written By Margaret Kristen Licup
Lockdown has been difficult for all of us. To stop the spread of the COVID-19 virus, Australians throughout the country have kept to their homes and limited their social interactions which have greatly impacted youths’ mental health and stability. In order to cope, students at Uni High might’ve started watching their comfort shows on Netflix, binged enjoyable YouTube videos, or spent an ungodly amount of time on TikTok.
We here at Ubique have also taken to finding fun ways to waste time get through lockdown but recently, our editorial director reached out to us asking for a ‘lockdown article.’ She said something like “[blah blah blah] lockdown specific [blah blah blah] can you write it?” You see, I don’t like work but when your boss kindly ‘requests’ something of you, they’re actually putting a gun to your head and ordering you to do it or they’ll “fry your ass like a burger patty” (See Figure 1 for further evidence).
And so, I set about finding good content to write. Perhaps a game piece, recommending fun online games to play with your nonexistent friends? A horror movie review? Maybe something to do with music? All perfectly decent ideas. And I said, fuck it. I’m watching all the Logan Paul movies...
God, do I regret it.
DISCLAIMER: For legal (and personal) reasons our editorial director is a wonderful person.
Figure 1: Our editorial director in her prime habitat. Google doc comments.
Editors Note: For Legal (and personal) reasons, that’s a joke.
- Josh
Editors Note: It better be.
- Pat
Part One: The Thinning
In the near future, the world’s resources have been severely depleted due to overpopulation.
To combat this crisis, the U.N. now requires all countries to cut their population by 5% annually.
In America, all students must take a standardised test once a year.
The lowest-scoring students are executed.
This test is known as the 10-241.
But most call it…
“The Thinning”
Released in 2016, The Thinning is categorised as a ‘social science fiction thriller web film’ in which Peyton List and Logan Paul try to survive and rebel against the murderous meritocracy that is the United States’ government. For starters, the premise—though slightly formulaic and wrought with on-the-nose metaphors—isn’t even that bad. It’s neither awe-inspiring nor impressive but it’s surprisingly solid. I went into this film expecting brain damage. I was surprisingly only slightly wrong.
‘Brief’ Rundown:
Post-ominous slideshow-esque premise rundown, we are introduced to Laina Michaels who runs—not a secret drug ring—but a secret business that trades cheat guides in the form of eye contacts for money. After trading off her last study guide with her student Simon, we learn Laina is some sort of good student who ‘doesn’t need’ to cheat and that the money is for… drumroll… her dying mother!!! What an uncommon trope.
If I see one more character selling shit for their dying mother, I’m throwing myself off a bridge.
However, upon getting to the hospital with her little siblings—god, if I see more younger siblings I am also going to throw myself off a bridge—we find that her mother has already resigned herself to her fate and Laina’s effort was for nothing.
The scene cuts to Logan Paul as Blake Redding who, in contrast to Laina, lives in a colonial style mansion and is far from a good student. The day prior to the 10-241, Blake sneaks out of his house like a clearance sale ninja to meet with his equally academically underachieving girlfriend in order to ‘live a little’. The two go and swim in someone else’s pool, make out, and get caught by Blake’s father’s security guards.
Blake’s father reprimands him whilst attempting to menacingly eat a Pop-Tart (honestly I was laughing my ass of at this scene, it was hilarious) saying that Blake has ‘tomorrow and next year’ to worry about the test then he has the rest of his life to get ‘distracted’ by Ellie.
The next day is Test Day. After getting introduced to Laine's incel best friend Kellan who happens to be a #HAKXER and is connected to a well-known journalist, students are ushered into their testing rooms by guards dressed in costumes that would give Friday the 13th money from copyright if they weren’t colored black.
What happens next isn’t really that entertaining, especially if you remove the crying children and emotional background music. The school is locked down lookin’ like a maximum security prison, people fail the test, people start crying, the usual thing for teenage dystopian deathmatches. Our two main characters pass however, Ellie—Blake’s girlfriend a.k.a chick who didn’t study for the test, doesn’t. Blake is upset and tries to talk to his dad (who happens to be a prominent politician) about it. Dad says no, Blake throws a hissy fit and records a video saying he’ll kill himself by purposely failing so that his dad has to stop the Thinning to save him.
Instead, Dad is smart. Dad switches Blake’s piss poor scores with Laina’s. The top student. God, this man is intelligent, he makes me feel things. Like anger. Rage. Disappointment. Laina gets taken to the execution room and Blake goes ‘yo tf is up’ then tries to go fix whatever. Laina, smartass supreme, tries to clear things up as there is ‘no way’ she failed that test.
During Blake’s rampage, he shuts off the power to the school which allows Laina to break out of her restraints. The two meet up and say their respective pieces, we learn there’s some sort of unresolved romantic tension between them, and after a long action sequence Laina manages to get everyone’s true scores out to her hacker/reporter friend. Those who actually failed the Thinning get executed until we see Blake wake up in an elevator after he was supposed to be dead, paving the way for a sequel.
Did I get brain damage?
Yes. But, as I said, less than I had expected. Paul and List’s acting is decent for the most part save for some overdramatic bits and their lines—though cheesy at times—seemed decent. However, that doesn’t mean that I don’t have beef with it.
Five minutes. That’s the time it took for Logan Paul to get shirtless. Five. Minutes. I almost gagged. Well, I did gag. It was disgusting. All I didn’t want wanted to do was watch a shitty movie and I have to deal with this garbage. Also, the thing with Blake and his girlfriend? I get it, some people aren’t academically inclined even if they did study but if he really did like her, he should’ve helped her study so that she wouldn’t die.
Another problem I had with it was the half-baked love quadrangle that was introduced. It was unnecessary and just wasted the time that could’ve been spent developing the main characters’ motives and personalities instead of making Keegan an incel. Cool fight scenes, etc. but really anything was better than that.
Overall Rating: 4/10. Decent, but you honestly could watch something better.
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Editors Note: Can we get some support for Margaret in the comments who actually suffered a lot for this?