When A Friend Comes Out
By Beth Thomas-Richards
People still need to come out because of an expectation we as a society hold that everyone is naturally heterosexual and cisgender (Identifying with the sex they were assigned at birth). We come to expect certain norms, by influence of the media we consume (think mainstream Rom-Coms and heterosexual relationships), the cultural behaviours we adopt (labelling children “It’s a boy/girl!” based on biological sex as soon as they’re born, or supporting invasive and often non-consensual surgeries to ‘normalise’ Intersex children), and our social and cultural circumstances (such as religion, socio-economic status, the laws of the country you reside in and your familial and locational political climate).
Pressure to conform to societal expectations or to come out manifests itself in every aspect of life, and this can create a lot of anxiety for many around personal identity.
If you don’t already know people who are members of the LGBTQI+ community, there are people in your life who have not yet ‘come out’, as much as the focus is surrounding how one should come out and to whom, it is just as important to understand how to support someone when they come out to you.
An important thing to remember is that prior to coming out, the person would have had little to no idea what the confidants reaction may be, which could be a source for anxiety.
When a person is coming out to you, it is important to recognise this anxiety, and reassure them that they have not changed simply because you are now privy to this information.
They have always been who they are, and your awareness of their identity isn’t going to change that fact. This responsibility also extends to keeping the information to yourself. No one else has the right to know someone’s personal identity, and there may be reasons the person coming out hasn’t already told other people.
Sometimes someone will come out to you with an identity that requires a small change in the way you address them, this may be in pronouns or a preferred name. If that’s the case and they have said they would like to use certain pronouns (They/Them, He/Him, She/Her or others), it is important to clarify if it would make them uncomfortable or unsafe if you used their correct and preferred pronouns in certain environments. This decision is up to them to let you know, and it is up to you to respect.
Another consideration to keep in mind is that this may be the first or one of the first times this person has come out, but coming out doesn’t stop after that. Coming out is a continuous journey that doesn’t end for them once you know.
Lastly, no one has the right to put pressure on someone to come out, as they will when they feel comfortable doing so. We have far to go, but starting with more acceptance for the people around you is a step towards equality and safety for everyone.