Chronic Loneliness
Written by Imogen Eynon-Cooke
TW: loneliness; mentions of depression.
Chronic Lonliness
Why We Feel Alone In A World Of Connection
Something I think about a lot is how highly ironic it is that we’ve never been in such a connected time in human society, yet so many of us consider ourselves ‘lonely’. Just think about it for a second. There are so many different ways to contact someone at the tap of a button, due to seemingly endless developments of various technological devices and communication mediums, however, if I had a dollar for every time someone said to me that they felt lonely, I’d certainly not be free-loading off of my friend’s Disney+ account. So, over the past two weeks, I’ve done some research into why this is.
So, as it turns out, being ‘lonely’ and being ‘alone’ are actually two very different concepts. For example, many people are perfectly content sitting in their rooms, by themselves, watching hours on hours of ‘the Joe Rogan Experience’ recordings (definitely not talking from experience...), while sometimes these people consequently feel lonely at parties filled with hundreds of people or on crowded public transport (not that this should apply to anyone in Melbourne right now!!!). This demonstrates how loneliness is actually purely subjective, meaning if you feel lonely, you are lonely. Your perception is entirely your reality.
However upsetting this may be, nothing can honestly protect you against loneliness, since it’s a natural biological reaction. Much like how hunger might make you pay attention to your biological need for food, loneliness makes you pay attention to your social need for other people. Loneliness is classified as a biological need because, throughout the evolution of society, it has been an indicator of how likely your survival would be. Collaboration and communication with others have always been things that are necessary for; how to put this simply... not dying.
This loneliness epidemic has only really been in place since the middle ages, because during the industrial revolution, many people went to work in factories, meaning that smaller communities and towns started to dissolve, as cities began to grow rapidly. Hence why now, even with some of the most flashy and massive cities in the world, there is still such a high rate of people feeling lonely. In today’s society, it’s highly common for people to travel vast distances for things such as jobs, love, education, or simply just in search of new places to discover, leaving our past communities and relationships behind us. We also end up meeting people significantly less in person because of how unnecessary it is to travel across the country to tell someone about your dog’s hilarious new toy when a single text could do the job perfectly.
Many people stumble into chronic loneliness by accident, because since our lives are filled with so much these days, whether that’s school, work, our love lives, or simply just having some quality time with your Netflix poison-of-choice, the easiest thing to sacrifice is spending quality time with friends.
Studies by J. Cacioppo & W. Patrick have found that chronic loneliness is among the most unhealthy things we can experience. It has been proven to make you age faster, make cancer deadlier, and make your immune system weaker. Ignoring loneliness can also an end in depression or severely negative mental health states. Furthermore, other studies by J. Vanhalst have shown that when chronic loneliness comes into play in social situations, the brain is significantly more perceptive of the social cues of others, whilst at the same time, it gets worse at interpreting them correctly. essentially, this means that whilst you end up paying more attention to others, you understand them less. This means you’re a lot more likely to ignore the positive intentions of others, and rather become self-centred to protect yourself, making you appear cold, unfriendly, and socially-awkward to others.
Personally, once I’d done about an hour or research into this, I ended up forcefully shutting my laptop and I tried to drain out my thoughts with a particularly fantastic playlist someone made, however, nothing really seemed to work. My brain started circling about how throughout lockdown, I’ve actually seen some of this behaviour within myself. I’ve purposely been declining messages and calls from my friends because I just wasn’t feeling like talking to other people. I’ve gone to great extents to stay inside my house as much as possible, and honestly, I’ve just tried to block out a significant part of the real world because of how scary it is. I can’t sugarcoat it - life sucks right now. It’s really hard to tell yourself everything’s going to be alright when everywhere seems to scream that it’s not. So, in that moment, I decided to write this article, in the case that people had been feeling the same way as me, and I have some advice that may help.
So! What can we actually do about this?
Well, the first step to feeling less lonely is to recognise this cycle within yourself and to recognise that loneliness is a totally normal feeling, and it’s nothing to feel ashamed of, since it is a universal feeling that everyone feels at some point in their lives. You can’t just ignore a feeling until it magically goes away (much to the displeasure of my constant emotional suppression!!!), but you can accept that these are entirely natural and programmed to protect you.
Another thing to examine is your perception of social situations. Do you assume that others don’t want to talk to you just because they haven’t reached out and contacted you? Are you trying to avoid being hurt by others by not risking opening up? Do you look for excuses to not contact other people? Do you preemptively put walls up to avoid future rejection? These are signs that you’re letting loneliness get the best of you, even if you aren’t quite literally alone.
So, how can you fight falling inside of yourself? Talk to others. Call your best friend or S/O. Send that meme to that person you immediately thought of when you saw it. Reply to that Instagram story of the girl you saw listening to the same music as you. Because you never know what someone is going through, and you have no idea how beneficial it can be for others to have someone to talk to, especially during these times. Also, if you’re feeling like this is becoming too hard to control by yourself, never be scared to reach out to others for help, whether that’s a parent, a sibling, a professional, or maybe even a trusted teacher. Because in the end, reaching out to others is not a sign of failure, but rather a sign of courage.
Moral of the (very long) story: don’t be afraid of reaching out to others because you’re worried about how they might perceive you, because ultimately, although us humans have made a truly beautiful world for ourselves, nothing is able to fulfil the biological need for human connection besides, well, other people. So, think to yourself for a moment about how lucky we are to know the people we do, and how improbable it is that in a universe with seemingly everlasting time, we all get to exist. Together.
[thumbnail © Owen Gent]