The mystery of the missing headphones

By Indigo Simionato

Editors note: I have visited lost and found more times than I am willing to admit -J

Do we have an evil villain amongst us? An unforgiving mastermind in the midst of uni high? A malicious burglar hiding in the shadows? Does Uni High have a Headphone Bandit?

Say Who What Now?

Since the first weeks of term two, the tiny, poor, insufferable, year sevens of Uni High have been experiencing a tragedy: all of their dear headphones have gone missing. (Dun dun DUNNNN!) Your favourite detectives were the first to hear of this crime filling the yard with havoc and were, of course, on the case. 

We obviously jumped to the conclusion that the cause of these missing headpieces was a thief amongst us, and we had suspects. And yet, we had no-one. Either there wasn’t a single one of the many thieves to own up–there were too many reports for it all to be behind one suspect–and they’re just too darn good at lying, every single one of those bratty year sevens was committing insurance fraud, or they simply are all losing their headphones like the ungrateful, forgetful little rascals they are. The last one was too boring for the detectives to go along with, but the first two reasons would mean that the students of Uni High are good at lying, and we all know that ain’t true. So, the two detectives continued to make connections, ask questions and gather evidence. We worked late nights into early mornings and caused Lincraft to run out of red wool (we made a very large murder board). After tiresome efforts and filled notebooks, we finally had solved the case–whether we liked it or not. The real thieves of these missing headphones were, in fact, the owners themselves. 

It’s a shame really, we honestly wanted someone behind bars. But, for you, the innocent public, it’s good to know that you don't have a thief amongst you, out to get your precious headphones. 

You!?

By the way, to UBIQUE’s dear readers, this is mainly targeted towards the reckless tweens in year seven, who don’t take care of their belongings. Also, not everyone in year seven lost their headphones, there are some who guard them with their life, and others who know well enough to not bring them to a place as untrustworthy as Uni High. And then there are the few that are responsible enough to not have such unnecessary and expensive accessories in their lives at all, and simply do fine with some wired ear plugs they got for a few dollars from Kmart. But, there are clearly enough children to require an article like this in the first place, so listen up.

It’s not every day that you get accused of stealing the $400 dollar headphones your grandma gave you for your 13th birthday from yourself, is it? When we say ‘steal’, we rather mean that it’s your fault they went missing. You’ve no-one to blame except yourself. When you started going to this school, year seven subschool made it extremely clear that your belongings were your responsibilities, and the only reason they go missing is because of you. They clearly stated that you should not bring possessions of much value to you to school at the beginning of the year and you’re expected to make good decisions about your stuff–both where it is, and who it’s with. So maybe sketchy Jeremiah from across the road isn’t the best person to lend your AirPods to. 

Stop Losing Your Stuff!

There are a couple strategies when it comes to keeping your belongings safe, and this is coming from someone who loses a LOT of things, so it’s exclusively first-hand tips and tricks. You, our most dearest readers, get the good stuff. 

Don’t bring it in the first place

There are some things you must bring to school, like your new sticker pack that your friends will go crazy for, or some gold jumper that is a perfect costume for the school play, but do you really have to bring them to school? This is one of those things that is completely situational and reliant on the situation and person, but usually when you’re packing your bag, you should realise that everything in there has the risk of being lost to some extent. 

Keep it with you

Okay, I get it, that’s a little disingenuous. It’s like someone saying ‘why did you break your arm?’ Well, I didn’t do it on purpose, alright? You weren’t trying to lose your headphones, but this may be an (obvious but useful) way to prevent losing them in the future. Keep your stuff with you, whether that means you have a carry bag for your water bottle, a special bag pocket for your lunchbox or you manage to keep your headphones around your neck at all times, making it a purposeful style choice. Studies have proven that if you see a specific item all the time, and it’s common in your day and you’re used to it, then it is less likely for you to leave it behind, so there’s an extra tip, get used to it being in your everyday life before bringing it into new situations (like school). 

Labels Labels Labels…

Personally, I love making labels, with little icons and fancy lettering. I find joy in organisation and cutesy stickers–you should see my collection–but I am proudest when my labels are actually used! People are much less likely to steal things when they see it belongs to someone else, especially if it’s someone they know (unless you’re enemies). They’ll realise that there is a little year seven that will be yelled at by their parents if they snag those headphones. It makes it much more difficult. Plus every single victim without exception interviewed said they did not have a label on their stuff, so maybe it’s worth a shot. 

A sneaky little trick

This one my dad taught me, specifically for remembering that I locked the door or turned off the heating before leaving the house. Directly after you grab your headphones, or keys or whatever you have struggles with keeping track of, act out something unordinary. Tap your head three times and say “I eat cheese and pickle sandwiches while hula-hooping!” out loud. This will help a lot with remembering what you have done, especially if it is every single day that you grab your stuff. Remember to change it up!

Lost property is your best friend

At UniHigh, we have pretty nice students. There’s occasionally an underwhelming fight, or an overwhelming use of slurs, but as far as I can tell, we are a pretty chill highschool. Which, fortunately for us forgetful peeps, means they’ll do the right thing–they’ll put stuff in lost property. Every day so much stuff is sent there, and chances are you’ll find what you’re looking for (and a little more if you can lie! Just kidding, do not steal from lost property. Seriously). UniHigh’s lost property is located in the sick bay, just in front of the general office in the 100s. When you enter the school from the front, just take a right, follow the sign saying “Sick Bay” and go straight, through the door which should have a sign saying “Lost Property”. You’ll be asked to describe your item, just in case you’re there for the wrong reasons. 

Basically, take care of your belongings. We are very lucky and privileged to have such great opportunities and SO many things in our lives, our parents work endlessly to supply us with our Bay-Blades and comfy clothes and fancy Frank Greens. The least we could do is make sure we take care of them, otherwise maybe we shouldn’t have such nice stuff. 

That’s all from your favourite detective, keep your eyes peeled for mischief and mayhem… see you next issue! 

P.S if you know any headphone bandits, you know how to find me. - IS