UniHigh's Staffrooms
BY AIMEE GARNER & ALICE HESSIAN
Aimee and Alice venture into the staff rooms and uncover all the secrets unbeknownst to the general public of UniHigh. Who’s food is the best? Do teachers gossip about students? Who’s stashing prohibited goods in the school-issued mini-fridges?? They’ll be ranking the Science, PE, Humanities, Art and English staff rooms using these four categories:
Food
Comfiness
Intimidation
Ambience
Read more to discover what they learnt upon scrutinising each office for their respective secrets.
5. The Art Staff Room
There isn’t much to say about this room except for it’s small, squishy and doesn’t have enough space for the amount of staff in the room.
Intimidation:2/10
We were welcomed into the room and given a lovely tour by a friendly teacher from the staffroom, but unfortunately he had to leave and we were left alone in the room with another teacher which was quite scary.
Food: 0/10
From what we noted there was a lonely jar of Beqa peanut butter which we quickly learnt is the standard in the staff rooms. We’re hoping that there was more hidden in their cupboards but from what we saw there’s nothing that makes their food stand out.
Comfiness: 2/10
The ceramic tile cools the room down quite a bit which takes away from the cosy aspect that the other rooms could maintain.
4. Science Staff Room
As we opened the door we already noticed something that would affect the room's score, the squeaky door. We were greeted with kind smiles from two lovely teachers (who had once taught us before). We made ourselves comfortable and started assessing
Intimidation: 6.5/10
Did we spend a good five minutes debating whether we should go in? Yes! But that was because we didn’t want to intrude on their very concentrated workflow, and partly because we were a little intimidated. We agreed that if not one of our past teachers weren’t in there, we probably wouldn't have gone in. But because of the circumstances, we did feel very much welcomed and comfortable.
Food: 2/10
We asked the teachers to direct us to their snacks, and to say the least, we were quite disappointed at their sad selection of communal snacks (snacks is an overstatement). On their table we noted salt, pepper, and olive oil. But we did appreciate how they had tooth picks laid out, because who would want to talk to their students with a piece of spinach lodged between their teeth? The teachers did tell us that once in a while a lovely teacher would bring in sweets, like honey joys.
In a hopeful last attempt to bring up their ranking, we received an email from a teacher to try and showcase the ‘range’ of snacks in the Science staff room. Initially when we went, there was only salt, pepper, toothpicks, olive oil, and a random packet of salted eggs. But in their shot of ‘redemption’ we still decided the food was really a let down. But we do really appreciate the effort!
Comfiness: 7/10
To meet this criteria we had to test out both the staff’s desk chairs and their communal table chairs. One of us sat in the staff’s desk chair and the other sat on the ‘dining’ table chairs. As we always do, we moved the spinning chair side to side, and we noticed a terrible squeaking noise, even to the slightest movement. In a focused room like that, it’s not out of pocket to assume that it would be so annoying. But if you put that aside, the chair was just fine. The table chairs were rock solid, but we would say they were average school funded chairs
Ambience: 8/10
The room was very quiet and focused during our assessment. While we were there we heard a few cute and funny stories which really showed how well the staff worked together and from what we saw, all nice, genuine interactions. The room was very well decorated with fairy lights and lots of photos.
Overall thoughts:
We loved the staffroom but the food was honestly a letdown. Watching how they went to each other with their problems, the nicely decorated environment and listening to the stories really made this staff room so genuine. But the food, the really squeaky door, and chair was really the reason why they didn’t make it too high in the ranking.
3. Humanities Office
The first thing that really stood out to us was the overwhelming heat that shrouded the room. Temperature regulation in there needs work. Despite the oven-like conditions, the staff members were lovely to chat with.
Intimidation: 5/10
While the people that occupy this scorching cove of world maps are quite lovely, they’re very much hidden away behind a wall of desks and papers. Entering this office is like walking into a dragon’s den and not knowing if you’ll meet Godzilla or Mushu from Mulan. Regardless, we were met with (some) enthusiasm and weren't reprimanded too heavily for rustling through the cabinets like hungry racoons.
Food: 3/10
We must admit, the food was pretty dismal. Every 2-4 weeks people will bring in some food to snack on but we saw no evidence of this claim. Stale crackers and generic tea littered the cupboards while a bare bones fridge held nothing beyond (allegedly “in date”) milk. Of course the lovely salt and pepper shakers stood proudly on the countertops next to the dirty mugs but let’s be real: food is not their strong suit. The only good thing we could identify were the shiny new appliances that came with the recently rebuilt 600s floor. That microwave really glammed up the eating area.
Comfiness: 8/10
The Humanities office had some of the best pieces of furniture we had seen out of all the staff rooms. A beautiful wood dining table took centre stage and looked like a lovely place to give up on work and have a snack. A sofa (that looked suspiciously like your classic therapist couch) stood in the sitting area and received some morning sunlight from the north facing windows. We regrettably messed up the settings on Mr Bush’s desk chair but it was extremely comfy. 10/10 spin factor. There were some very visually pleasing flower paintings that were hung up around the office and a grand array of monopoly boxes “for the economics class.” A very suspicious moustache was stuck on the window but we didn’t question it.
DESPITE having a very spacious sitting and dining area, the desks hidden in the back of the room were extremely cramped. Mr Brown recounted the exhausting process they had to go through every time someone needed to get up from their seats. It requires constant rearrangement, almost like human tetris. We think the desks could be arranged more effectively so that it doesn’t give an aeroplane seating plan vibe.
Ambience: 8/10
Similarly to the science room, it was very quiet and focused during our assessment (aside from chatterbox Mr Brown). The room is great for wandering around because you can always find the strangest things with very minimal effort. The passive-aggressive poster displayed above the sink to remind people to clean their dishes was ineffective but a funny detail.
Overall thoughts:
We can hardly believe anyone gets any work done in that room considering the thermostat is tirelessly blasting hot air. We think the humanities office is single-handedly destroying the ozone layer with that heater. Greta would not be pleased. Aside from that, the room is lovely.
2. English Staffroom
We were lucky enough to be in the staffroom when they were having their monthly Birthday morning tea. There was a lot of food, but was the rest of the staff room up to par?
Intimidation: 7/10
Since we walked into the staff room during the annual monthly morning the room was packed with teachers. It was scary walking into the room but anyone who saw us smiled. We’ve entered under different circumstances before and not going to lie, walking into a big room with desks hiding the teachers is definitely scary.
Food: 9.5/10
The English staffroom definitely has the best food in the school. If you come in on any random day you could find yourself a platter of sushi and a charcuterie board just sitting on the table. When we went during the morning tea there was carrot cake, a charcuterie board, fruit, banana cake and a blueberry cake. In the centre of the table, there was a plate with sauces, olive oil, salt, and pepper. We tried to ask for some food, but unfortunately our request was rejected. But Ms Costelloe did give us a Tim Tam for being such great guests in the staff room.
Comfiness: 7/10
We didn’t get to test the chairs at the long table, but we were able to test the chairs at a teacher's desk. The chair wasn’t really anything special, it was just fine. Lucky for them, the chair wasn’t squeaky like the one in the science room. For the chairs at the table, judging from the picture we took, we would assume the chairs were uncomfy as there was no sort of cushioning and it was just a plain chair.
Ambience: 8.5/10
When we went there the room was lively and full of laughter and chatter. We had a peek at a few of the teachers' desks and saw how cutely decorated their desks are. There were some plants scattered around which really added to the atmosphere.
Overall thoughts:
The English staffroom really lived up to its reputation. They definitely had the best food and some really great things. The room was so spacious and they had a huge area dedicated to food, which to us might be one of the most important things.
1.PE Staffroom
We can confidently say that this staffroom was the best one we visited! Though their food wasn’t as good as the English staffroom, they had so many fun and cool small things that really boosted their ranking.
Intimidation: 2/10
Unless you’d never been taught by one of the PE teachers, walking into the room is not intimidating at all, but we will say that the long hallway before you reach the teachers is actually kind of frightening. The teachers that were there seemed excited and so welcoming.
Food: 7/10
Not as amazing as the English staffroom but their selection was on point. They had hot chocolate mix, crackers, cappuccino mix, plenty of tea and that was just all in the cupboard. In the fridge they had tomato sauce, mustard, milk, yogurt, salad dressing and soda water. Of course the staffroom staple of salt and pepper.
Comfiness: 8/10
Yet again, the staff room had the standard spinny desk chairs, but unfortunately, it was squeaky. We do forgive them for that because there were these really comfy green chairs at the back of the staffroom.
Ambience: 10/10
The PE staffroom really knows how to keep things fun and exciting. They had mini golf in the room, plants, the most random decor, a wig and yearly staff photos. There was a poster on the wall with a list of birthdays and next to the person's birthday, there was another staff member's name. That meant whoever's name was next to the birthday they had to bake the person a cake for their birthday. We had so much fun talking to the teachers, playing mini golf and just looking at the decorations.
Overall thoughts:
We honestly thought that the English staffroom would come first but the PE staffroom was just something else. The teachers were happy to give us a tour, and were adamant on us mentioning their glorious dance floor. They even let us play mini golf (In our opinion the mini golf just really made everything ten times better). Not only was it just so entertaining in there, the decorations were on point, herb the plant probably carried.
Thanks Mr Brook for modeling the wig for us!