What Would Batman Say?
By EMilia ferrara & suzi oh
Batman Takes on High School Woes: From Algebra Anxiety to Unmasking Bullies, Gotham's Guardian Delivers Advice with a Punchline!
In the shadows of Gotham City, a figure emerges, a symbol of fear and justice. With relentless determination and unparalleled skill, he strikes fear into the hearts of criminals. He is Batman, the Dark Knight, the protector of the innocent. However, Batman has found himself in an unlikely predicament… serving advice for muddled teenagers at UniHigh. Yes, you heard that right! The Caped Crusader has taken a break from thwarting crime to help troubled teens navigate the treacherous waters of adolescence. Armed with his bat-wisdom and an arsenal of puns, Batman is ready to tackle any teenage turmoil that comes his way.
Let's dive into some of the most peculiar student inquiries with Batman’s amusing responses.
1. From Math Misery to Crime-Fighting Calculations:
Desperate for Digits:
Dear Batman,
I'm stuck in a never-ending spiral of equations, and algebra is slowly sucking the life out of me. How can I survive math class without losing my sanity?
Batman:
Dear Desperate for Digits,
Mathematics is a formidable opponent, but fear not! Just as I solve complex riddles to defeat my rival, the Riddler, you too can conquer algebra. Picture yourself as the Dark Knight of Numbers! Instead of fretting over equations, imagine Batman symbols replacing those x's and y's. Trust me, once you see equations as villains to defeat, math class will be your triumph!
2. Conquering Social Awkwardness:
The Lonely Wonder:
Dear Batman,
I'm painfully shy and struggle to make friends. How can I break out of my shell and become a social butterfly?
Batman:
Dear lonely Wonder,
Fear not, for even the Dark Knight was once a lone bat. To conquer social awkwardness, you must embrace your inner bat and blend into the shadows. Observe those around you, mimic their body language, and unleash your bat-charisma! Remember, a single smile can illuminate the darkest of hallways. Stand tall, spread your wings, and soar into the realm of friendships!
Time for a little intermission…
Friendly Chat with Batman: This is the time where students get to ask personal questions to Batman and he’ll respond with his usual dark enthusiasm.
Where can I get a boyfriend like you, batman?
If you want a boyfriend like me, try to find someone who is hot, strong, protective, and considerate. They should be able to make you laugh and feel safe in their presence. Additionally, they should be supportive of you and your goals. Finally, make sure that they are someone who values you for who you are and treats you with respect. If they check all these boxes, you might just have found a boyfriend equal in quality to me.
Will you marry me?
No, I am sworn to uphold the law, not commit myself to the trappings of marriage. My crusade has no room for romance. It is a life that requires absolute dedication. I do not have time for love. I am dedicated to this duty alone. I am Batman, not the husband.
What's your PR?
My bench press? It's 600 lb. I can't say my squat or deadlift, because I don't do those exercises. I'm mostly a calisthenics guy. I focus on functional strength rather than lifting numbers. It's more important to be able to punch hard and climb up buildings than it is to bench press a certain amount. I can do one-handed pull-ups. I can hang from the ceiling of a skyscraper for hours. I can do 500 push-ups in one sitting. I'm strong.
What’s your type?
My type? I don't have a "type". I have standards. Women I respect. Women I admire. Women who are strong and independent. Women who can stand up for themselves. Women who are intelligent and motivated. Those are the types of women I'm looking for. So basically, not you.
Do you love anyone?
Love? I have no experience with love. I have a duty to this city, and I must dedicate my life to that duty. I believe in justice and compassion. Those are my values. Love? I am not sure that I understand that concept. If you are someone who needs love, then I am sorry, but I cannot give that to you. I can only offer you protection and strength. I am the night. I am Batman.
3. Unmasking the Bully:
The Anti-Bullying Avenger:
Dear Batman,
I'm being bullied at school. How can I stand up for myself without resorting to violence
Batman:
Dear Anti-Bullying Avenger,
In the face of injustice, violence is never the solution. Instead, channel your inner detective and gather evidence against the bully. Then, confront them with your findings and let the truth be your batarang of justice. Remember, even the mightiest villains crumble under the weight of their own misdeeds. Stand strong, for the light of truth shall prevail!
As Batman imparts his unique advice to disoriented high school students, one can't help but appreciate the unconventional methods he uses to guide them through the fearful fight of life.